


Where is Albus' Nose?

by Anonymous



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: And yes that's an actual thing, Based on the Nose Opera, Crack, Grindeldore, M/M, Tragicomedy, instead of the search for the elder wand lets search for Albus' nose!, you can clearly see from this fic im going crazy from the lockdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24229918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Albus dreamt about tap-dancing noses and the next morning he woke up without one.
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore/Gellert Grindelwald
Kudos: 6
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Act 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this video clip of tap-dancing shoes from the opera.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YotMwwixPsw
> 
> who says opera has to be snooty

ACT 1

Scene 1

“How can you lose your nose?” Gellert asks him after they've searched around his bed, the holes among the walls -as if his nose were a common rat - and much of everywhere in the house but found only the partner of a pair of socks Albus thought he had lost a few nights ago when Gellert came over.

They’d have to put off the search for the Deathly Hallows although they still haven’t a definitive lead and there are still Albus’ duties as the family head to consider.  But Gellert wouldn’t be that atrocious friend who wouldn’t let Albus recover his wayward nostrils first before they continue on the mission which is their higher calling and can only be done by the two.

“I swear it was just there last night before I went to bed and when I woke up  _ Poof! -  _ gone like magic.”

Nothing else was out of the norm yesterday. The books they were reading laid still open on the table. 

“Perhaps you may have Splinched yourself in your sleep,” suggests Gellert.

“I was not aware one could Apparate and Splinch themselves during their sleep though I suppose anything can happen and there are no other explanations but accidental magic and I doubt an intruder could get through the wards at least without me knowing.” Unless that intruder is wanted. 

“Has anyone even ever managed to sleep-apparate before this,” said wanted intruder sighs, “only you Albus.” 

“It’s either that or a nose-thief visited me in the night.” 

“No, why would anyone want to steal a nose unless they’re serial-killers and want the nose as a trophy in which case I could think of other body parts more worth keeping.” 

“Let us not enter into the morbid realm now, Gel.” And especially not when he’s missing a part.

“It’s still too early for gore.”

“Agree, well then, moving on it’s either  _ Splinching  _ or accidental magic as the likeliest cause. And you mentioned a dream. Can you tell me its contents again? I didn’t quite catch all of them with how sleepy I’ve been this morning since last night and how ludicrous the dream was.” 

“Alright, here is how the dream went…” 

The Dream:

(Please click the video link in notes. I can not do it justice so you are better off watching.) 

“Only you Albus,” Gellert shakes his head.

“And they were marvellous dancers,” Albus says after he’s done with his story and Gellert has a funny face that looks as if he’s questioning whether Albus had eaten some loopy mushrooms again.

“After the unfortunate dream of having my nose punched twice, once by my brother and once by someone who looks remarkably like an older version of you except with funny hair like a spiked Murtlap or a pineapple I was then treated by my subconscious to the sight of my nose dropping off and then giving me a tap dance before leaving stage left.” 

“Are you sure you haven’t eaten the loopy mushrooms again?”

“Not any more as you did,” responds Albus. 

They stuck away from the mushrooms since the last time. They had tried to see if they could survive in the wilderness -meaning just the nearby forest - as preparation for their journey for the Deathly Hallows which might take them away from civilization - and ate some berries and mushrooms. The berries were alright but needless to say, they vowed to find a house elf during their mission for the greater good of their stomach.

“We should ask your siblings.”

“I’m sure Ariana’s got nothing to do with it.”

“And your brother?” 

This time, it takes Albus longer to answer but he shakes his head. “No, not him either. I wouldn’t deny he won’t do this as a practical joke but I would have noticed if anyone else entered and Aberforth doesn’t like coming into my room when you’re there.”

“Clearly.”

“And I’ve already asked Aberforth this breakfast.” 

Breakfast: 

When Albus woke up so amused was he by the dream that he chuckled before going down to breakfast with a light bounce to his step. He felt so carefree that he thought the lighting feeling on his face was because of his mood. Tap-dancing noses! The things the mind can make up! Gellert had already left last night through the windows and so he wasn’t here for Albus to share the dream but he’ll tell them later but right now was breakfast.

Around the table, everyone was still sleepy so it hadn’t been Albus who first realized he lost his nose but Ariana. 

“Where is Albus' nose?” Ariana asked.

“Are you trying a new look for that git," said Aberforth around a mouthful of sausages. 

Albus touched his face and found the centre flat. “Very funny. Now return my nose, Abe.”

“What do you mean return it? I did nothing to your nose,” mumbled Aberforth while chewing. 

He swallowed and said, “ In fact, I thought you did something to your face to try to impress that git and the spell went awry.”

“I prefer you with a nose, brother, can you bring it back? Ariana asked. 

-0- 

“So we established it wasn’t your brother who did it,” says Gellert back in the present time. 

“No, Aberforth wasn’t lying. He couldn’t have lied if he wanted to anyway.”  _ Insufferable Legilimens  _ and  _ insufferable brothers _ , Aberforth had ranted more than enough times in the past.

“We’ll have to find it then,” Gelert shrugs. “Shouldn’t be that hard.”

Scene 2: Finding the Nose and Fashioning One

"In the dream, I found my nose in the bread batter. Maybe it's a sign I lost my nose there." The family had baked bread yesterday. After eating through the bread -except for Albus’ which was charred blacked they tried feeding the birds but the birds would have none of that nonsense - they discovered nothing unusual from all the crumbs.

“Nope, no nose,” said Gellert stuffed with bread. 

"My nose in the dream ran to the holes in the wall. Maybe we could find it hiding there."

They went and searched for holes among the walls and inspected behind the walls all afternoon but couldn't find anything but the carcasses of a few dead rats and bits of Albus' baked bread.

"It's a good thing we didn't eat your bread," says Aberforth who watches the rats’ carcasses being disappeared.

Putting an ad 

“Perhaps I should put up an advert for my nose in the daily prophet?”

“They would more as likely present you with a gnome’s nose or something else transfigured to look human. You can never trust strangers with something as precious as your nose.” 

“True, but it’s worth a try.” 

In the end, they did get a nose, several in fact, by owls but none were Albus’ nose and Albus later returned the noses to their owners or the senders. 

He didn’t want to ever know again how too willing people were in sending their sibling’s noses. Albus shuddered. 

-0-

"Perhaps my nose will appear when I'm sleeping and come tap-dancing around my bed."

"Are you hearing yourself?"

-o-

Two days in and still they still haven't found the nose. 

“Since you were punched twice in the face perhaps someone had gotten in and attacked you that night after I left.”

“Perhaps but I don’t really consider it likely.”

“Me too.” 

-0-

“So, how is the case of the runny nose?” Gellert comes the next day and the next, many times, often beginning with that question first. 

“It still hasn’t stopped running.”

“Too bad.” 

“...”

“I’d have offered you a handkerchief but you have no nose to speak of.”

“Stop.” 

-0-

Life with a nose is a shame, Albus thinks.

Aside from looking like an unfortunate victim of a spell gone wrong Albus’ sense of smell disappeared and he can’t taste much of anything. Everything tastes bland and the sugared lemons were decidedly less sweet. 

But most of all, because he’s become all too aware again how he isn't someone as good-looking as Gellert to begin with and the lack of a nose only emphasizes it. 

-0-

Life with a partner who has no nose sucks thinks Gellert. 

For one thing, he can’t imagine kissing Albus anymore without having to close his eyes first to prevent seeing the lack of a nose. 

And he has to see where he's aiming his own nose while he's kissing lest it… pokes into holes where it’s not meant to be poked at. 

And there is the fact that with more of Albus’ time taken now up by the search for his nose means less time for Gellert. 

Their sex life took a nose-dive. 

And one night when nothing happened because Albus was still concerned with the lack of his nose, thought himself unattractive and the angles were all awkward Gellert said, “ We’ve just got to find your nose! We’ve just got to!”

-0-

“The lack of a nose is more distracting than I thought.” 

“Why don’t we make a prosthetic for the meantime.” 

“Or you could get a potato and use it as a nose,” Aberforth says in a blithe tone. 

“I’d doubt a potato could be a good enough _ substitute  _ for a human nose,” Gellert wrinkles his nose in distaste. 

“No, you idiot, Isn’t my brother here the so-called best student in Hogwarts? He could transfigure a nose from a potato.” 

“That’s actually a brilliant idea.”

Aberforth rolls his eyes. 

“Here, potatoes for tonight’s dinner but since this is an emergency I’ll let you have it.” 

“What a sacrifice.”

Albus quickly brings Gellert out of the kitchen to prevent a potato war. 

-o-

“How do I look?”

“You look - “ Gellert scrunches his eyebrows

“ - gnomey.“ 

“Like you were born with an unfortunate defect that makes noses grow twice bigger and someone had punched you in the face.” 

“Sighs... so like a gnome.”

“Exactly.”

“It also smells bad. Can’t get rid of that smell of dirt.” 

“It’s still better than no nose,” Gellert says.

“Really?”

“... Barely. But it makes you look like Trump.” *

“Who's Trump?” 

"Just someone you’re better off not knowing from one of my visions. We'll both be very old or dead by then anyway.”

“On second thought I can’t stand your nose looking like his. Let’s try another option.”

-0-

“How about clay?”

“There are legends that say the first man was made out of clay and baked in an oven.”

“Sorry, the only thing we’ve got here is flour.”

“It’s a good thing you’re so good at Transfiguration.”

After trying and failing to find the nose, regrow one in St. Mungo’s, fashion a prosthetic nose out of potatoes, wood; put an ad in the Daily Prophet and receiving lots of potatoes and other objects being passed off as noses; they finally settled on a bread nose because the supplies were in hand and the form malleable. 

-0-

Scene 3: 

“Gellert and I will be going on a trip to find my nose,” Albus tells his siblings some days after his nose disappeared. 

After finally making a prosthetic nose for Albus -after much trial and error (a nose made out bread) - they finally set off to the direction the latest tracking spell indicated when it worked.

“Aberforth and Ariana take care.” 

“So I won’t be going back to Hogwarts then since  _ someone  _ has to look after the house and our sister.” 

“It’s only until I get back my nose. We'll just be gone for a while. Maybe a few days at most.”

“Then I wish it would stay away. It’s certainly keeping your mind away from that  _ stupid  _ goal you hatched with that blond budding dictator. “

“I still don't get how your nose went to Hungary of all places.” 

“Among other places. The tracking spell has been erratic and jumpy.” 

“And don't cause any trouble for Bathilda.”

“We'll be back soon.”

They apparated to their portkey where they will be taken to their destination. And so, begins their quest to find Albus’ nose before the summer ends. 

**\- End of Act 1 -**


	2. Act 2

**Act 2**

Scene 4

After more than a week around Europe, they still couldn’t find Albus’ nose which seemed to have an anti-summonable and anti-tracking enchantment; but rather than becoming upset with the delay, Albus enjoys the extension caused by it. Earlier on the first day, despite telling himself it would just be a short trip Albus had felt an excitement akin to when he had his first trip to Hogsmeade except better for he is here with Gellert. 

The search must end soon, however, and the deadline of summer’s end draws nearer yet they still haven’t gotten nearer in finding the nose as they did on day one. The tracking spells point to a location before disappearing and reappearing in another country. 

“Running after your nose is like chasing after a diricawl,” Gellert had said.

After another day of fruitless searching, Albus has retired into the inn. The room isn't terribly spacious nor luxurious as their budget wouldn’t allow them to spend frivolously Albus still enjoys it as their refuge for the past days.

Gellert  _ Apparates  _ into the room. “Gregorovitch just had a break-in,” he announces, his eyebrows furrowed. During their search for Albus’ nose they hadn’t neglected in finding clues for the Elder Wand - the Hallow they’re concentrating on as being the most visible and the search for Albus’ nose had proven difficult leaving them little to spare for the other Hallows of which sightings haven’t even been recorded for several centuries. 

“You don’t think...” 

“Yes, I think it’s highly possible. The clues were heading to the duelling rings.” And just like that their mood dampened. 

“We’ll be going to Bulgaria. It might be too late but who knows, we may find some clues who the thief is, where he is heading and to confirm our suspicions.” 

“Sorry, we’ll have to put off the search for the nose in the meantime.”

“Don’t be, uniting the Deathly Hallows is still our common goal. I’m getting rather used to my new nose.” 

Gellert smiles. “And if we can take the Elder Wand we might even be able to return your original one, or grow something more similar.” 

“Yes."

-0-

Scene 5

Gellert returns from talking to someone. After searching for clues they find out that a society of wizards is forming called the “The Great Knows”.

“It sounds terribly narcissistic.”

“And similar to ours,” Albus frowns. 

“Do you think the leader has the wand?”

“There are rumours the wizard has it and that’s why people have been gathering around him. They think whoever has got the wand is a beacon to gather around but it’s hard to get anyone to talk and the leader doesn’t just show himself to anyone. We don’t even know if it’s a man or a woman.” 

“Then we should pose as possible recruits.” As days of trying to find the group’s leader proved fruitless, this is the fastest solution. 

“I sent an owl to my siblings this morning, telling them the trip would be extended again.” 

“Not any longer if this one is a success. Now then we’ll track the members and stage an accident meeting.” 

The places where the meetings are held were protected by the Fidelius Charm. And as much as they wait and stake the locations out after following the members they couldn't find whoever the leader or someone who they suspect them to be.

They hunt down the members one by one to see who’s got the wand then obliviated them after the questioning. And just as rumoured the members believed the leader had the Elder Wand, but bragging is different from fact and they had to make certain. If the Elder Wand wasn’t really there then they will hand this case over to the authorities but for the meantime as long as there is the possibility of the wand’s possession then they will handle this by themselves. But it is important to find at least one accurate account confirming the existence of the Elder Wand.

Albus feels queasy of using the Imperius curse but Gellert rationalized they would need it to not be caught. “Besides, we will just be asking them some questions and this is the easiest way. You could perform Legilimens on them but then we’d still have to stop them from hexing us as soon as we ask questions they are guarding.”

“Alright but only if we need to and sparingly.” And this is the slippery slope. 

They use a combination of questionable magic to find their lead and hide their tracks and Albus feels unease. Would this be a precursor of the things they have to do for their mission? 

“Their next meeting would be in this old run-down cathedral at the outskirts but only members can come.” 

"Then for infiltration, we should pose as promising recruits."

They become intentionally more careless during their stalking and when the wizards at least have become suspicious they surrender themselves and allow themselves to be caught. As the other wizards have no other choice but to dispose of them and admit their mistakes to their boss or try to get something good out of this and with some careful nudges Albus and Gellert manage to convince them to recruit them.

“Why are you interested in joining?” one of them asks after they had impressed them; Albus by showing his transfiguration skills,  _ protego _ and forming shields out of rocks and Gellert with an assortment of hexes and curse Albus suspects were not among the Durmstrang curriculum. 

“Because I believe mudbloods and inferiors should be put in their place.” They had researched earlier on the Great Knows that the group had strong anti-muggle sentiment. 

The man nods, satisfied with Gellert’s answers. 

“You mean we aren’t in yet?”

“We’ll show you to the boss. He prefers to do the interview himself. Don’t worry, He’s very good at it. He’s able to root out spies and aurors in the past.” 

Albus and Gellert look at each other worriedly. 

“Do you think?”

“It’s too late to back out now.” 

They are taken into an old cathedral, and the place looked empty from outside but when one of the wizards showed them a slip of paper with the mark of the Deathly Hallows but with an uneven triangle they are able to walk inside and see a group of people already gathered around the aisle with a coffin in the centre and one large figure hidden by a top hat and a cloak kneeling beside it. 

Scene 6: Meeting the Boss

A group of people gather around a black coffin. Kneeling before it is a stout and tall figure wearing black fancy robes, dragonhide boots, a dazzling tophat hat; a person clearly of much importance, possibly the leader with the way the other wizards bow before it. Albus and Gellert follow their action. 

"We have brought some interesting recruits.”

“Do not lie to me,” the person says. 

“They were searching for you and you were found out and decided to bring them. It was a good decision to bring them here, not that you were the one to think of it.” The figure, still kneeling by the coffin, says in a commanding, loud voice, “These gentlemen, are in fact, spies,” The other wizards startle upon hearing this.

What gave them away? But Albus doesn’t have the time to ponder because when the figure beside the coffin stood up he gasps.

The cloak the figure wears is wide and at first, Albus thought a very large wizard was wearing it but when the figure turned he was greeted to a familiar sight.

"My nose!"

" _ Are you sure?"  _ mouths Gellert.

"I am sure of it. I could recognize the shape and colour. It's exactly alike "

" Except for its size and the two legs under it," says Gellert. 

"Your nose you say? Many have tried to claim me but none of them could prove I was their nose. And even if you were, why should I go back to someone so vastly inferior to me." says the Nose, facing upwards such that Albus is at the unique position of having his nose turned its nose up at him. 

“But even if you are who you say you are, you’re completely mistaken if you think I will come back to you. Judging by how you could not even find me earlier while I was in misery.” 

“You belong, it seems, to a barn,” he says to Albus.

“And you,” the nose turns to Gellert who is suddenly struck with a sense of violation.

“And you are merely a dropout and a hanger-on who can’t achieve greatness by himself and so needs another wizard.” Gellert jaws drop and either shock and rage are battling in his mind. 

“Gentlemen! Here is my owner! A wizard who can't keep his own nose!” The wizards laugh.

“And here is a man  _ scared of muggles.”  _ He points at Gellert grandly with his wand.

Gellert gapes in surprise, either at the Nose’s own words and what he had done just now and the very object in its hands. Having seen a rare diagram of the wand, he is certain it is the one. 

"Albus, sorry to say but I badly want to beat up your nose."

" I only ask you to show some restraint,” 

"Then how about a duel. If you win we won't be disturbing you anymore but if one of us wins you'll have to return to him."

"That sounds like a very unfair deal to me," the Nose says. "And of no benefit to me."

"What if I win you both shall die instead."

" On second thought, why do I have to agree on a duel. If you can't defeat my men then you are beneath my notice."

The wizards circle around them. 

The nose  _ Dissaparates _ , leaving Albus and Gellert in the middle of a circle of wizards. 

"I can’t believe your nose just up and snubbed us," Gellert complains while throwing a hex at the nearest wizard 

After a long time Albus and Gellert defeated the wizards but more came and so they had to retreat and apparated when they broke free from the wizards. 

“So, let’s review everything that had happened while you were missing your nose.”

“After disappearing your nose since then became a big guy and I mean literally and figuratively.” 

“Not only that but it’s starting its own group and managed to recruit wizards to a cause we don’t know but sounds shamelessly copied from ours.”

“The Great Knows -”

“A very egomaniac order.”

"And not really the Great Knows but the Great  _ Nose.”  _

“He named the order after himself.”

“For the Greater Nose,” says Albus. “One nose to rule them all, wizards and muggles.” 

“Not only that but the nose has your talents and abilities but less of your morals and all too willing to kill us,” says Gellert. “But one thing I can’t accept is - “

“I can’t believe your Nose sniffed out the Elder Wand before us.” 

Albus agrees and frowns. He hadn’t accounted for facing the wand when he began this trip to get back his nose.

“At least it solves us the trouble of having to search for the wand. A two-in-one deal.”

“Agreed, and besides how hard could it be to battle one nose? Now come! Let us unite nose with owner!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> much narration going on here because it's taking too long to get to the punchline.
> 
> showdown between nose and owner next and then the denouement


	3. Act 3

**Act 3**

When the time came to battle the nose after a series of hunts and chases from both sides they had finally settled on a duel. 

They had gone on a wild goose chase for the nose, each time the nose sending his men to defeat them and through duelling and strategic retreating Albus and Gellert dwindled their numbers. With his number of men dwindling and caught by the aurors until at last the nose sent them a letter.

_It has come to my attention that many of my men have been put to prison by courtesy of you. Very well, you will have your duel. But if you shall lose you will take the place of the servants you have defeated._

The location for the duel was settled in a place Albus suggested. 

“Mighty arrogant isn’t he?” comments Gellert after reading the nose would even battle them both and even let them choose the location.

“Yes, quite,” hums Albus. 

Scene 7: **An epic battle between nose and owner**

When they arrive at the location at the specified time they see Albus’ nose wearing a flamboyant cape of purple and moss-green tights speckled with shimmery glitters. Gellert loses it and doubles over in laughter. “It looks like snot, I’m sorry Albus but your nose has ridiculous fashion.” 

Albus agrees. He would have worn the cape with a matching purple suit. 

The start with the duel, unfortunately, the battle is easier said than done. Even without the Elder Wand, the Nose would still be a formidable...nose. 

“I’ve never faced opponents as tough as this back in Durmstrangs.” 

“The same for me and I was the Hogwarts duellist champion.”

The nose has Albus’ talents yet none of his morals and regard for his opponents’ lives, as the nose throws Unforgivable Curses after another Albus and Gellert have to quickly duck and evade while trying to fight back with spells that won’t be too damaging. 

Until at last, Gellert throws an _Imperius_ at the nose with the owner of the nose unlikely to complain but the _Imperius_ slides over the nose like water over a steel pot. 

“Does the _Imperius_ work on beings without a brain?” Gellert asks. 

“Does _Imperio_ work on ghosts? It’s not really much discussed, the Unforgivable Curses in our curriculum and I’m afraid no one had thought to ask or experimented on such.” 

“But what’s agreed on is it works on a mind but it seems my nose is capable of sentience.”

“Maybe the Imperius needs a brain to work on and your nose is brainless.”

“But it means we’re at a disadvantage. Your nose can just cast the Unforgivables while we can’t even do the stronger hexes or else then we’ll find your permanently nose-less and people will think of you a Dark Lord dabbling in too much Dark Arts.” 

Gellert throws himself behind a pillar to evade a Killing Curse and rants. “What is wrong with your nose! How did it become such a murderer?” And here he thought Albus was the peaceful one. How did such a murderous nose come from him?

Albus trades spells for spells with the nose but he is discomfited by Gellert's question the same he has been thinking. On one hand, the nose has a separate mind of his own but what if the Nose is a mirror showing Albus what he'd become if he was corrupted by power over the Elder Wand?

Another problem they’re facing against the nose is the nose learned to cast spells without words, they have to guess from the colour that comes hurtling towards them which spell it is, 

“Ingenious. My nose must have had trouble speaking in the beginning and learned to cast silently." 

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around how your nose got a following in the first place.” 

“Through charisma and sheer talent and strength.”

Gellert sighs, “Sometimes magic is just not enough to explain things.” The two have to rely on fast reaction to counteract and evade the nose’s spell. 

After fighting a while the Nose's spells become slower and Gellert thinks he knows why. 

“It sounds like something is blocking your nose’s nostril.” “It’s probably hay. I’m allergic to them,” “It's why I chose the barn as the place for the duel.” He’d already taken his anti-allergen hours before the duel. 

“You -- sneak!" Gellert says laughing.

“I prefer it as following the adage of knowing yourself and the enemy."

The nose with Albus’ talents and knowledge and the drive to make something better for itself had none of his morals, but apparently it also has Albus’ allergies.

While casting a spell the nose stumbles trying to stifle a sneeze and in that split moment, Gellert casts a binding spell while Albus casts a knockback jinx.

The nose lays on the ground, snot trailing down its nostrils due to the hay fever and the cause of its defeat.

“Gross,” Gellert says as he _Accios_ the Elder Wand away from their nosey opponent. 

“It’s a natural and perfectly normal reaction to hay fever,” sniffs Albus. By now, the medicine has worn off and he achoos. The nose, driven by some psychic connection to its owner and because they are still in the middle of an allergens field achoos at the same time, unconsciously. New strings of snot trail under its nostril.

“Gross,” repeats Gellert. “The difference is your -fake- nose is small and thus the snot in tolerable amounts (“tolerable for you because it’s not you suffering through them,” Albus mutters) but with this human-sized nose, the snot is in proportion to its size. 

Close-up view of a puddle of snot isn’t a glorious thing to look at.

“Now then how do we return your nose to its normal size and attach it to your face?”

Just then, the authorities, attracted to the rabbles and commotions of a fight, come to investigate. They hear popping sounds of someone apparating and hurriedly Albus and Gellert grab hold of the nose and prepare to apparate. leaves after they have beaten the nose and had him attached

“Be careful. We can’t have your nose - “

They arrive back in their inn, the nose losing blood and splinched parts

“... in bits,” finishes Gellert who’s got Albus’ nose’s snot and blood all over him now.


	4. Final Act and Extra

**Act 4**

Final Scene:  **Man and Nose United**

After restraining the nose and knocking it out after it woke up and tried to fight them both and decreasing its size they finally got the wayward nose to attach to its owner.

“How do you feel?”

“Like my nose has been beaten black and blue by a bludger, torn to pieces then remade altogether and swollen from hay fever,” Albus sniffs and massages his nose. From weeks of not having his nose, he’s not yet used to the weight of a real one especially a swollen nose and allergies are uncomfortable. 

“Look at the bright side, we’ve got your nose back and the Elder Wand. We’ve accomplished two goals at once. Your nose even made me forget about the Elder Wand while we concentrated on returning your nose to normal. Beating back your nose for it... Of all the opponents we’ve had to face for the Elder Wand, I would never have guessed it’d be your nose and a formidable opponent.”

“At least it means we’re great together, battling your nose even with the Elder Wand. We’d be unstoppable together.”

“And I found some interesting things after my nose got attached,” Albus says and he related to Gellert the nose’s memories which had transferred when it got attached again.

“Now I know why we had trouble tracking my nose. A magician wizard picked it up.” 

“A magician wizard,” Gellert says flatly.

“Yes, but he was an eccentric one and decided to use his magic to perform magic tricks to fool the muggles.”

“And they haven’t caught him? Never mind the muggles, what about the Statute of Secrecy?”

“It was the reason why he was on the run and took the nose along with him.”

“And the reason he brought along your nose…”

“Why to be the main attraction of course!” 

Gellert wants to figuratively slap his head. Or the wizard - magician - whatever for giving them this trouble.

“The nose was picked up by a wandering magician wizard who was running away from debtors and authorities and happened to pick up my nose. He thought it would make a neat gimmick to amuse the muggles with.”

“What was the name of the circus?”

“The magical nose show.”

Gellert laughs. “Only you Albus would have a nose that became part of a travelling circus.”

“You would not think it so funny after hearing the rest of the story,” Albus looks grim and so Gellert suspects something bad will -had- happened. 

“The nose was very much like an infant when we separated through inexplicable reasons and when he was found by the magician wizard. He was just like a newborn babe but one with a scary growth spurt.”

“Growth spurt.” 

“He grew to be one foot tall by the first four days.”

“Merlin.”

“And he kept growing and growing until we got our chap here.”

“But at the beginning, he was just a tot and had to be cared for like a baby. But the wizard would have none of that and gave the nose no affection.”

“Just a question but how does the nose eat anyway?”

“Through its nostril.” 

Gellert considers barfing. No wonder the hack wizard would have none of the pampering the freak of magic he found. He wouldn’t either even if it was Albus’ nose unless Albus’ life lies on it or something equally important. 

“... and the nose gained knowledge,” continues Albus, “After so many ‘got your nose!’ jokes and tap-dancing the nose got so tired and fed up and began to aspire for greatness. By then, the nose had reached puberty.”

Albus could certainly understand his nose’s sentiment. During the first few days, the nose jokes told by Gellert about runny noses and such were funny until after the tenth time they were repeated. 

“So the nose’s trace was hidden by the magician. Then the nose grew from infancy, getting more knowledgeable, powerful and physically bigger to show its mental growth until it became a formidable nose and escaped from its magician to go on to do great things.”

“Like our mission for the greater good,” says Gellert who feels a sort of hollowness and disappointment that he’s been beaten to the head start by a freaking nose. 

“Yes, but the nose, while it had my talents and abilities my memories could not be transferred and since its infancy, it had been treated horribly by the magician who put it in chains and shackles and starved it every night and didn’t show it an ounce of kindness. The nose was just a freak or a weird object borne out of magic. Either way, he considered the nose as one considers a non-being, maybe even less.”

“And the nose cried rivers of snot every night till it learned to hide its emotions from its cruel master.” 

“I can’t believe that happened to your nose, Albus,” Gellert shakes his head. Sometimes even in the magical word some things happen that are simply unbelievable even for aspiring rulers things that happen in the magic world are hard to believe even for aspiring rulers because they were too ridiculous.”

“And so, the nose, not knowing kindness and love killed the magician and became a dark lord because it knew not the power of love and never had kindness shown towards it, and created the order of the “Greater Nose” as revenge for the muggles who laughed at him and the wizard who chained and imprisoned him just to have him perform tricks like tap-dancing.”

Silence.

“That escalated quickly,” says Gellert. “And what a sad story for a nose and like the origin story of any other dark lord,” Gellert says. 

“I noe isn’t it?” says Albus.

“And the origin story of many pop-of-the-mill dark lords. Stories like those are a knut a dozen.” 

“After killing the magician the nose went on to achieve terrible but great things. The nose hated the muggles who laughed at it and the wizard for imprisoning him and when it discovered it had the power it killed them, the entire audience and the wizard in arson ruled by the local government against the dead magician. “ 

“And they never found out it was the nose that did it.” 

“Who would have suspected an actual nose to be behind it?” 

A momentary silence.

“Albus, “ Gellert begins, “please don’t lose your nose anymore. Battling against one dark wizard nose is already once more than enough.”

“I certainly won’t want this tragedy to happen again. The poor muggles. So much destruction only because they hadn’t known the nose they were laughing at wasn’t a puppet held up by amazing feats of puppetry,” Albus says, feeling guilt for the dead muggles. After all, for all, they knew they thought the nose was only a piece of prop and didn’t know the nose had feelings.

“Yes, and that.” 

Silence. What else could be said in the face of ridiculousness and tragedy combined together?

“Albus, there is no way of tracking the murders to the nose and hence you right? Right now, you are housing -nay, attached to - a criminal. 

Albus pauses his story to consider this. 

“The other wizards heard us saying it was your nose. It was a good thing we obliviated them but I’m ot sure if we got them all. In the meantime, we should lie low.”

Yes, Albus agrees and after a while sighs, not having gotten over the memories he was bequeathed with. 

“The nose ceased to be sentient as soon as it attached itself to me, when its memories transferred to me,” Albus weeps for the nose’s tragedy. “It’s a shame. I would have liked to talk to it to maybe offer words of comfort now that I know the nose had been living a life of solitude and cruelty before we found it again.” 

Gellert is at a loss. How on earth can you comfort someone who lost their nose, which tried to later kill them and then after being reattached effectively killing its sentience they realized the nose had suffered a cruel life but can no longer be comforted

At least it’s dead is probably not the best as far as comforting words go. 

Ignoring it ever happened is what Gellert best thing one should do. After all, it’s just a nose. It was never meant to be alive in the first place and he had promised he’d get back Albus’ nose and so the nose’s plight, although surprising and saddening, doesn’t affect him as much and Albus is just unfortunate that the spell which united man and nose together also transferred the nose’s memory to him. So he offers consolation through an embrace and kisses and then it becomes more.

-0- 

“We’ve both cast the spells which defeated the nose. Does that make us the masters of the Elder Wand?” 

“The wand worked perfectly when we tested it on your nose.”

“We have both hit the nose at the same time.”

“Then I guess that makes us both the wand’s masters.” 

After realising their mission for the Greater Good would be liable to get out of hand through the actions of Albus' nose they decide to just become peaceful activists. 

“I don’t think I’d be in a position to rule over muggles,” Albus says.

“While hunting for my nose I realized I don’t have the stomach for some of the things that would be required.” 

“The Great Nose sounds a bit close to comfort to the Greater Good.”

“Perhaps we were too arrogant to think what we’re doing would be for the greater good of all.” Something else has been bothering Albus. The Nose’s memories. He’s seen how the Nose became more corrupted by power and thought what if the same were to happen to him. He knows it sounds ridiculous. His nose and he were both of a different mind yet what if - what if what happened to the nose will happen to him? 

And the incident with the nose shows that people would eventually follow wizards who have power even if their cause isn’t for the good. What if Albus and Gellert made a mistake yet because of their power and talent people would still flock to them? To get things done. For self-interest, until Albus’ conception of good and bad gets strained and he can no longer think straight.

Gellert sighs. He’s been afraid Albus would back out due to being unable to face the eventual blood but the nose had just brought it on earlier. But Albus is still sad over the

And with the Elder Wand in their possession, they could do anything. Who knows, they might even be able to use this case as a point on why separating muggles and wizards is dangerous for both of them. 

Instead of arguing and debating on the merits of Albus’ decision now Gellert, however, does the tried and tested method of comforting which is through physical touches.

“Following in your nose’s footsteps, it kind of leaves a bad taste like phlegm stuck in one’s throat,” Gellert says.

Perhaps they could become peaceful activists. Gellert never doubted he could become a powerful politician. And they needed to be more careful and be more incognito if anyone ever traces the nose’s crimes to Albus.

And from then on, Gellert never stops making nose jokes to the eternal exasperation of Albus, who’s more annoyed now than sad after being  _ comforted  _ by Gellert.

**Extra Scene: (While Albus and Gellert were still searching for the nose)**

“Do you think the two are coming back?” asks Ariana.

“They probably forgot about us and are still enjoying their honeymoon,” says Aberforth which is perfectly fine with him if frankly he’s annoyed by Albus abandoning familial duties again but at least he doesn’t have to go to Hogwarts. 

“Who wants some muffins?” asks Bathilda who’s been taking care of the Dumbledore siblings while the eldest went with her great-nephew to find his nose. 

"That's not fair. I want to go to a wedding. I never get invited to any. If they had their wedding and didn't invite us I’d be cross," Ariana pouts.

“A wedding? Whose wedding is it I’m hearing?”

“My brother and Gellert’s,” says Ariana before Aberforth could stop her and say maybe telling Bathilda her great-nephew is eloping isn’t the wisest thing. For all he knows he could be wrong. 

“You mean they haven’t done that weeks ago? I could have sworn they went and did some archaic and mostly fallen-out-of-use binding pact and this losing nose bit was just an excuse for them to go on a honeymoon.“

Aberforth’s mouth gapes at how blase Bathilda is but quickly recovers since he completely agrees with her words and pipes in. “I mean how hard is it to find one’s nose? Either they’ve found the nose a long time ago and eloped or they haven’t found it yet and between the two I find the first more believable” says Aberforth thinking about hot-headed idiots and eloping and dereliction of duties. 

At least there are the muffins and Aberforth no longer has to leave in fear that maybe one of these days the two will forget to cast a  _ Muffliato  _ in his brother’s bedroom. Or the barn.

Oh Merlin, he hopes the two moves out or at least just every night. He still won’t let Albus escape from his duties. 

Ever since Gellert Grindelwald stepped into the Dumbledore’s home any sort of discreteness from his brother was thrown out of the window and never seen since. 

**End**

-0- 

**Author's Note:**

> * based on this picture of a gnome and Trump  
> https://www.reddit.com/r/HPHogwartsMystery/comments/gb74ay/the_resemblance_is_uncanny/


End file.
